he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
