Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The power of my boobs compel you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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