Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
