you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
