just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
