I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
