I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
