Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
