If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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