Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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