Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
