i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
