so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this just has baby written all over it
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
