She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
