you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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