I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
