I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
