she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
