just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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