Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
