I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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