also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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