Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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