Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I have aggressive nipples.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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