apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
