Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
