If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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