I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
