I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
