Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i think i just lost a toe
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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