Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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