i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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