i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
