If i come over, it means nothing
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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