No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
