I cannot find my penis.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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