Did you just see the Batmobile???
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
