I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
