We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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