Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
