I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
