i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
