My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
