did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
