I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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