He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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