I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We have started to decorate penises.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
