naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
