All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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