How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
