dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
