But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
