Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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