Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
