singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
